Almigo's adventures

Well well well, just before you could even get slightly bored with the bitch fight that occurs weekly between Darrell Sheets and just about everyone who walks in his path on Storage Wars, the producers have decided that given the immense popularity of this show (it must be popular – Meet the players: Storage Wars is my number one article on this site to date by a wiiiiiddde margin), it’s high time they opened up another world of forgotten relics, dusty dungeons, sneaky snipe fights and crazy contestants and have made it bigger. Much bigger.

Firstly they set it in the fine (and big) state of Texas.

They were going to call it Storage Wars: Dallas but then they realized that the city of Dallas just doesn’t seem to conjure up the ‘bigger’ image they were hoping for, so they chose Texas instead.

Then they made sure half the contestants were bigger than the state itself.

I kid you not – if big is beautiful then by the looks of things, Texas must be the best looking place in the world. Yehah!

Deep in the heart...

So it’s goodbye to shaved heads, Outlaw branded t-shirts and smug assholes who yell ‘Yuuuuppp’ whenever they can to be annoying and hello to 20 gallon hats, bull ropes and bbq sauce. Load up the car pa, put on your good bra ma, we is off to Texas – yippee ki yo or something…

So once again if you’re not sure who is who and who indeed you should be cheering on and who you should be throwing your 1952 drinks cabinet at, never fear because I’ve created a rough guide. Cue the music, here comes the contestants:

RICKY SMITH

Wake up Jeff!

Looking like a country and western singer having a bad decade and coupled with an IQ of a cabbge, Ricky’s been in this game for nigh on nearly 40 years and has most in common with Darrell Sheets from the original series. They’re both mostly part redneck, they’re both on the large side (Ricky an impressive two Darrell sizes) and they’re both ‘experts’ in everything. Just ask them. Of course just like Darrell, Ricky does not like anyone else coming through and sniping at his auctions, feeling their a ‘threat to his livelihood’ (which of course begs the question, if they’re that much of a threat, why get on such a popular TV show and promote what you do? Go do it on the sly when the tourists ‘aint lookin..’) Luckily there’s one thing that Ricky has that Darrell doesn’t: fashion sense Texas hospitality. Which if I understand it, means he won’t try to shoot you if he finds an storage locker full of guns and you bid him up highly before he got there. To help him make a motza, he’s brought his nephew Bubba along (of course, you couldn’t have Storage Wars Texas without at least one ‘Bubba’ in it) and the world’s hardest working belt and shirt buttons. From what we’ve seen so far – Bubba and Ricky like to bid on big furniture filled lockers (probably because they couldn’t fit into anything smaller together.) Oh and he keeps mentioning gravy a lot. He likes gravy by the looks of things.

BUBBA SMITH

You look purty

The other half of ‘The Rangers’ (Bubba is the nephew of Ricky), Bubba looks like he’d be right at home nailing a buck with a bazooka, doing a pushup with a mack truck on his back or elbow deep in the guts of an old pickup ‘tryin to git the ole girl runnin’ (Yeah look I know most of the fine folk of Texas probably don’t talk that way but it’s amusing to write it) which makes him ideal for this series. Bubba’s the computer man to Ricky’s er…hammer? Once upon a time he worked in a cubicle and decided that it was a much better life to throw wads of cash at random storage lockers instead on the hunch something more exciting that one of his uncles stories would in under a throw rug or something. Luckily it does mean that Bubba’s a little more cluey than Ricky when it comes to semi current technology. On the show he’s a lot less obnoxious than his original series counterpart Brandon. Bubba’s been tagging along with Ricky now since 1991 which puts a lot of weight (pun intended) to the theory that every time Team Rangers find something interesting or even note worthy, they celebrate with a whole live steer, smothered in bbq sauce. It’s amazing to see that a) neither of the Smith boys have punched Victor yet (we’re waiting for it) or b) Bubba, for a guy named Bubba, seems to have a lot of interesting information in his head. There’s a fair chance he’s got a lot more sensible name in real life…like Reginald or something.

VICTOR RJESNJANSKY

Oh Victor, you very unnatractive man...

With his slicked back hair, designer sunglasses and a name longer than the buffet at the Smith Family Sunday lunch, Victor is the cool suave sophisticated cat that everyone’s been looking for. Well…as cool, suave and sophisticated as you can be at some of these circuses cunningly disguised as auctions. Well…that’s what he’s aiming for. What we get instead is a former New Yorker with the personality of a crushed can who feels that everyone in Texas is an idiot (kind of like Dave Hester from the first series, only Dave feels that everyone who isn’t Dave Hester is an idiot) who’s taller and leaner than the other contestants (the leaner bit isn’t too much of a challenge here) but just as annoying. The problem for good ole Vic though is that he’s this season’s ‘smug git you love to hate’ with massive shoes to fill left by Dave Hester – unfortunately from what we’ve seen so far, he doesn’t nearly 50% of the chip currently making it’s home on Dave’s shoulders and so far pales in comparison. He’s got a love of the fast lane (not going to help you if you’re caught behind the Smith family) has an in the real estate business and we can only guess that he moved to Texas to buy ‘bigger’ properties. Oh and did we mention he’s a dick? No? Well he’s a bigger tool than the collection at Home Hardware. The so called ‘bike’ expert actually doesn’t have half a clue when it comes to the value of the cycle varieties and he’s got two traits that will make you want to walk into your TV, kick his teeth in and then walk out again a) when bidding he likes to yell $INSERT MONEY HERE Right Here! and wave his hands around which gets annoying very quickly and b) he’s decided to raise the price on all the lockers because he’s a major dick and bids on just about anything, hoping to ‘drop it on them’. We’re hoping someone drops the Smith boys on Victor instead.

LESA LEWIS

Don't mess with her...

According to her official bio, Lisa is ‘a tough as nails business owner’ who’s completely unafraid of the opposite sex, especially anyone bigger than she is (she’s in Texas, everyone’s bigger than she is..) Now it’s just an uneducated hunch (don’t quote me) but I’m sure with that attitude, her previous businesses might have included managing a strip club which if true, would make an awesome story line. She’s rough like sandpaper, smokes like a busted rotary, could probably throw a punch that’d rock Tyson in the chops and undoubted has quite a few interesting stories to tell when the cameras aren’t rolling. So…she’s the complete opposite to Brandi from the first series then. However if you liked Brandi then you probably won’t enjoy Leesa as when she’s not complaining or looking like she should be a in wrestling ring somewhere, she’s in bitter bidding battles with her annoying catch phrase ‘Bring it’ – which works for the Rock when he says it, not so much for poor Lees. When at Storage Auctions, Lesa brings two trucks: One to haul off her newly won goodies, the other is called ‘Jerry’.

JERRY SIMPSON

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

‘They make em big in Texas’ is the understatement of the year when you size Jerry the shopping partner of Lesa for the first time (they obviously made him with some very heavy duty heavy machinery). Originally mistaking him for Lesa’s bodyguard (who knows, maybe he secretly is..), Jerry is Lesa’s boulder rock (wow, the jokes just write themselves here) and good mate who has the fun activity of trying to keep her grounded and realistic when the bids start to fly. All I know is that when Jerry and Bubba appear in the same shot, it’s like Godzilla and Mechazilla looking to throw down – the size of these gents is impressive for sumo wrestlers. Apparently he has a history as checkered as some of the shirts he wears on the show but this is his chance to turn his life around…well as much as you can when you’re trying to keep a smoking buzzsaw from losing all control and accidentally killing someone in the process. Still, if Lesa somehow finds a classic car hidden away in a dusty locker somewhere, you know it won’t be much of a stretch for Jerry to carry it away for her. So far Jerry hasn’t threatened to knock Victor out. Which is truly a shame but the way good ole Vic’s going, it can’t be too far away…

MORRIS PRIGOFF

Thanks for asking!

Every reality TV show needs someone mature, a little kooky and quite possibly slightly insane to boot. Gold Rush Alaska had Jack, the 200 year old veteran that helped invent oxygen, the original Storage Wars had Barry who was madder than a bag of bashed snakes and more fun than Hugh Hefner’s grotto and now Storage Wars Texas has Moe. To Moe (who is old enough to have probably introduced the caveman to the loin cloth), everything is fabulous and he’s more flamboyant than…well…probably the rest of Texas I guess. He always comes in dressed to kill surprise, has shocking taste in footwear and while he hasn’t resorted to midgets on stilts, chicken cars or fast psychics to net him so gold (like Barry was famous for) we’re sure it won’t be too long. Unfortunately for Moe the slightly oddball dude who rolls up in some simply amazing classic cars, a taste for antiques and who steals the show each episode schtick has already been taken (thanks Barry) but at least Moe has a mo to go with his shocking shoes. Fabulous.

WALT CADE

Far from Disney

Walt’s the auctioneer and looks more suited to selling 7th hand Cadillacs than he does opening up storage lockers. But there is one major selling point that puts him leagues ahead of his Storage Wars counterpart Don Dotson: namely the fact that you can understand what he’s saying when the bidding starts. It’s so refreshing to find someone who doesn’t launch into complete and utter gibberish when hands are raised. Unfortunately that’s he’s only selling point we could find as Don’s a hell of a lot more bubblier than Walt could hope for and you’ll instantly forget what he said as soon as he’s out of shot.

THE STORAGE WARS SONG LYRICS

Amazingly this comes up in my search terms a lot. I’m not really sure why though when you realize it only has a couple of lines. Still, if you searched for it and you landed here, allow me to oblige:

Money owns this town
Money owns this town (yeah you know what I’m talking about)
Money owns this town…

Complicated aren’t they?

AND FINALLY…

Is this new series as good as the original? No, not really. As much as I can’t stand both Dave and Darrell currently, they are more amusing than the rest of these goons put together. And sorry Moe, but you’re not a patch on good ole Barry Wise. Until this gets better (hopefully..) I’m sticking to the original…

Missed the first season and want to know how much of a smug bastard Dave Hester really is? Check out our writeup here at Meet the original players: Storage Wars. Alternatively you can also find a handy guide to who’s who in Gold Rush Alaska here.